30 funny Scottish jokes: the most hilarious one-liners, puns and gags about Scotland

Scotland: a land of immeasurable beauty, inspiring history – and immense wit.

As well as the poetry of Robert Burns, one of Scotland’s greatest cultural exports is its unique sense of humour

Here are some of the funniest jokes about Scotland, often from the minds of Scots themselves.

(Warning: adult humour ahead)

“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter” – Billy Connolly

“Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow he would have been called No You Cannae” – Frankie Boyle

Man walks into a Glasgow pub and asks for a pint of lager with a dash of lime.

“We don’t do cocktails,” replies the barman.”

“What did the Scottish guy do with the trumpet buried in his garden? He rooted it oot.” – Sanjeev Kohli

Man lost in Edinburgh says to a policeman, “Excuse me is there a B&Q in Leith?”

Policeman replies, “No sir, but there are two Ds and two Es in Dundee.”

“In Scotland, we call a dog a dug. We take that O and make it a U. It’s a slang term, but it’s also a social implication in that you get dogs, then you get dugs. You get ‘aww, look at that wee dog”, then you get ‘watch that f***ing dug!'” – Kevin Bridges

“Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!” – Frankie Boyle

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

“Comfy?” asks the dentist.

“Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace” – Billy Connolly

“When serving an older Scottish man a tiny thimbleful of soup in a cafe, always double check that he said ‘just a soupçon’ & not ‘just a soup, son'” – Sanjeev Kohli

“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why’? You do not ponder why. You demand HOW?” – Kevin Bridges

“There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you a true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. He will show you at the drop of a hat” – Fred MacCaulay

What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song?

“One says, ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, ‘Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!”

“I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home” – Billy Connolly

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. When the Scottish waiter arrives with a tray of cakes, she asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why’? You do not ponder why. You demand HOW?” – Kevin Bridges

“We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin” – Frankie Boyle

“Is it really folk dancing?” “Ach yes, folk dancing and enjoying themselves!” – Stanley Baxter

He decided to call his Scottish father-in-law the “Exorcist” because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear.

“I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. ‘Is it Scotch?’, I asked. ‘Why?’ the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?’. ‘In that case, have you got any wild duck?’. ‘No’, he responded, ‘but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you'” – Chic Murray

Why do pipers walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.

“Three of us went to a fancy dress party in Glasgow last night dressed as a giant sandwich. We managed to make it home in one piece” – Sanjeev Kohli

“In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.” – Frankie Boyle

“We invented the phone so we’re entitled to use the phone box however we see fit. If you invent something, you can p**s on it” – Kevin Bridges

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

[On Scottish independence] “David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter. An open letter – because he couldn’t work out how to get it into an envelope” – Frankie Boyle

“They French cannae count – you ask for twa rolls and they give ye three.”

“Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it’s one o’clock” – Kevin Bridges

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.

“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common. they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle