The worst dad jokes ever – and proof they are funny

Finally, it’s official – “dad jokes”, famous for making children groan with embarrassment, are funny.

A study this week in the UK found the witticisms, generally maligned for being so gruesomely corny, do make people laugh.

“What do you call a man with a spade on his head?” ran a joke in the experiment carried out by University College London. Answer: “Dug.”

Here, Mark Mason, a proud dad joker, reveals his corniest numbers…

– Which Spice Girl can carry the most petrol? Geri can.
– How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.
– What do you call it when a hen looks at a lettuce? A chicken caesar salad.
– Did you hear about the man who was sacked from the calendar factory? He took a couple of days off.
– What do you call a Mexican whose vehicle has been stolen? Carlos.
– What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
– What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
– What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
– What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs. Still no idea.
– I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
– Dad: It said on the news that an actress has stabbed someone. Think her name was Reese. Mum: Witherspoon? Dad: No, with a knife.
– I met some obsessive chess players in a hotel reception, going on about how good they were. They were chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.
– A dad is washing his car with his son. The son says: “Dad, can’t you use a sponge?”
– I accidentally handed my wife the superglue instead of her lipstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
– RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
– My dog can do magic tricks. He’s a Labracadabrador.
– Two cats swam the English Channel. They were called One Two Three and Un Deux Trois. Which cat won? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
– A red ship collided with a blue ship. All the sailors were marooned.
– A new shop has opened called Moderation. They have everything in there.
– Dad: Can I administer my own anaesthetic? Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
– I refused to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I went round to his house all the signs were there.
– An apple pie in Jamaica is $1.50, a cherry pie in Barbados is $1.60 and a mince pie in Trinidad is $1.80. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
– Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
– Two sailors see an enormous hand come out of the sea. It moves all the way over to one side, then all the way over to the other. One sailor says to the other: “Wow, did you see the size of that wave?”
– Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But cats can.
– Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears? His left ear, his right ear and his wild frontier.
– A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you’ve walked. Clever clogs.
– An actress got a part playing a very small mother. She was paid the minimum wage.
– Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other: “Can you smell fish?”
– What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
– What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman? Snowballs.
– Lots of cars in a multi- storey car park have been broken into. That’s wrong on so many levels.
– What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
– A neutron walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barman says he won’t take its money: “No charge.”
– Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
– A cartoonist has been found dead. Details are sketchy.
– Why don’t ants get ill? Because they have antibodies.
– What should you call a woman whose voice sounds like an ambulance? Nina.
– What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward.
– What do you call a man with two planks on his head? Edward Wood.
– What do you call a man with three planks on his head? Edward Woodward.
– Why do you never hear a psychiatrist go to the loo? Because the ‘P’ is silent.
– The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman. Their children were nothing to look at.
– A pair of jump leads walk into a pub. The barman tells them: “I’ll serve you, but don’t go starting anything.”
– Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was nothing left but de brie.
– I gave my dad his 50th birthday card. He said: “One would have been enough.”
– How do you organise a party in space? Plan it.
– Two TV aerials got married. The ceremony was boring, but the reception was great.
– Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
– Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.
– What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison.”
– What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.
– Did you hear about the greedy clock? It went back four seconds.
– What do you call a man who can’t stand up? Neil.
– What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
– Why did the wedding cake need a tissue? Because it was in tiers.
– I keep having a nightmare where I’m a marquee, then one where I’m a teepee. The doctor says I’m too tense.
– I once bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
– Why do bees hum? Because they don’t know the words.
– How do you stop a baby lettuce from crying? Rock it.
– Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on its own? Because it was two tyred.
– I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.